DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit