5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Mood.. 😂
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”