A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not