I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.