Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.