ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
You Might Also Like
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.