every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Siri: Retweet me.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me