Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives