People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
You Might Also Like
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?