It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!