{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!