Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape