Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I’m not lazy
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.