The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
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The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
🤣could you imagine
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.