I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?