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Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!