Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Wise advice
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?