Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The smoothest fall of all time
I have two kinds of followers
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.