If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
crochet youtube is brutal
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys