Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
NASA has no chill
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
That’s no pocket rocket.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown