Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up