*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Am getting real tired of your crap…
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}