don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Feels
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk