I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
You Might Also Like
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.