Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.