That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You Might Also Like
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
The biggest mystery of our time
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself