being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The Sun
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
This classic never gets old . . .
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
sigh
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re