Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?