Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.