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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen