[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
knights of the ikea table
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
happy friday
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us