@cool_pond

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

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@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@Kyle_Raney

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

@TheAlexNevil

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@Purpell_Nurpell

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

@xkattxhca

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

@tatsabrat

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@robdelaney

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

@_SouthernMama

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?