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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
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To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9