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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao