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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*