‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
You Might Also Like
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”