A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
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I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes