A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The Friday File.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this