A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
You Might Also Like
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Put this video in the Louvre
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Google Pay be like:
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
and this one
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator