[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Hank is one in a melon.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”