A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*seductively corrects your posture*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.