A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
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Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Don’t talk down to me
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*