A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
titanic
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.