A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it