A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired![]()
You Might Also Like
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
ok hear me out: Luigiana
![]()
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
This kinda thing happens to me often
![]()
i will avenge u mr van gogh
![]()
![]()
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
![]()
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.