A baby bear catches snowflakes.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Just this preview of the story is enough
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes