New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.