A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.