A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*


Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.


1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos


There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.


Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!


It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting


Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.