A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen