A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN