A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me