a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.